The New Bastion
“One hell of a nice animal. Frequently mistaken for a meatloaf.”
“So I’m minding my own business, right, and this guy comes up to me and says, “You have an auspicious destiny.” I say, “What?”, and the guy, like, understands me, see, and says, “I need you to visit a girl and gain her affection.” Now, I was homeless at the time, and the guy seemed legit, so I went where he told me and this crazy bitch picked me up and started hugging me and shit. I normally don’t put up with that kind of thing, but the guy said I had to be cuddly if I wanted to be taken in, so I went with it. This is where the story gets weird.
The next time I go for my twelve hour daily nap, I see the fucker in my dreams for fuck’s sake and he says to me, he says, “You shall act as my conduit and be her guide through the Dreamscape.” I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I suddenly had all this fucked up knowledge about witchcraft and spells and shit cluttering up my walnut sized brain. I tried to tell the bitch about it, and I transferred some of that nonsense to her. Ever since, the bitch has been leading me on a goddamn leash, making me take baths and just chapping my ass in general as I do all the work and give her that guy’s spells every day.
And what does she do to repay me? She brings me on an adventure. A goddamn lame ass adventure where she puts people to sleep by pointing at them and gets all the credit when I taught her to do that! We went through some mess involving gnolls, I think, and then the bitch got crazy powerful and started dragging me to some places that aren’t very cat friendly. I can’t wait until the bitch discovers her destiny so we can go home and I can go back to being a normal cat."